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Spend too much time on the internet and you'll end up thinking young men today fall into one of two camps: hypersensitive puppy dogs trying to fund-raise their way to true love, or those guys who think flirting means getting shitfaced and screaming rape threats down a traffic cone at girls in the street.

While this picture isn't 100 percent accurate, it does seem that too many guys have adopted either the love formula or the Bro Bible as their seduction template, and frankly either of those approaches is as erotic to us as the idea of getting finger-banged in a Jacuzzi by the Elephant Man. But the truth is, boys these days have really dropped their flirt game.

We're not asking for Jane Austen; we just want to be wooed, and we want you to be cool about it.

Dating in the post-Tinder age is a romantic, political, and legal mine field, so here's a guide to help you through the painful business of chatting up girls.

SOCIAL MEDIA AND DATING APPS Don't pretend you haven't spent every last toilet break this month hungrily trawling through girls' Tinder bikini pictures. ) We're all desperate and shallow and lonely, so let's not pretend otherwise.

We know you're not "new" to the whole dating-app game, and the evidence doesn't suggest you find it particularly "weird." The only weird thing about it is the 15 minutes you just spent on a perfect stranger from Happn's Linked In page. Never call yourself a "gin enthusiast" or a "coffee snob" in your bio. You don't to put your height, but thinking girls don't care would be naive, so post a full-body photo of you posing near something for scale, like a "You Must Be This High to Ride" roller-coaster sign, a door, or—if you're really small—a cat.

Consider these topics to be banned from Tinder chat: your epic weekend plans, the undoubtedly epic hangover you're going to have as a result of them, music genres, your SAT or GRE scores, vacations.

Playing flirty-uppies with a total stranger is completely unnecessary—just ask her out.It's 2015, half the work is done for you: This is an app that's designed solely to help lonely people have sex with one another.If you're still stuck making Tinder small talk about her "plans for the summer" or the exact location of her office, you're fucked.TALKING TO US IN REAL LIFE A lot of you have become so used to copy and pasting "you still up?" to your 47 Tinder matches that you've forgotten how to talk to us in person.Remember, there are some times where girls just don't want to be chatted up—if we look like we are already on a walk of shame, for example, or outside an abortion clinic. talk to us (about things other than your balls and the size of your balls).