In less extreme – but no less threatening or disturbing – examples, women will tell you about the times they’ve been followed, yelled at, grabbed or even on because they didn’t want to talk to somebody. Women are socialized over and over again to be deferential to men; it’s “polite” for women to use indirect language, especially when dealing with men. Over and over again, women are socialized to not trust their instincts and ignore red flags… A friend of mine has given far too much head-space towards trying to understand her personal creeper’s side of things because she’s been taught it’s better to ignore her gut and give him the benefit of the doubt over and over again. because they’re even more afraid of disappointing him. Women are continually pressured to “give the guy a chance” and to understand that “he’s just a little awkward” or that “he’s a nice guy” and she had to be mistaken. An “I’d love to, but I’m busy that day”, for example, is a soft no.
Because she didn’t want to give him her phone number. Because she didn’t want to go home with him, to be touched, fondled, kissed or otherwise just did not want to accede to that individual’s demands of the moment. So is a “Maybe some other time.” So is pretending to misunderstand an offer, ignoring it entirely or even just what’s going on – they just don’t like the answer.
And yet, mentioning these stories will bring out the apologists, the Not-All-Men, the dismissers and the derailers, and the ones who will continue to complain that women aren’t saying “no” clearly enough. For a lot of guys – especially ones who ignore soft no’s – holding on to those ambiguities gives them the opportunity to try again and again.
After all, if she didn’t say “no” directly – so the theory goes – there’s still some wiggle room to get her to give in.
To quote one of the more notorious PUA gurus to be treated this way.
They’re the ones who deserve to be given a chance, not to be punished for the actions of a few bad actors, right?
Every time I answer a woman’s question about dealing with somebody who’s being creepy, there are the inevitable apologists.
Case in point: at my Kotaku column, a woman wrote in about a Nice Guy who wouldn’t leave her alone at a party. ” “He clearly wasn’t a threat, he was just socially awkward.” Of course, when people explained that she might have concerns for her physical safety, we got the On April 25th, Chris Plaskon, a junior at Jonathan Law High-School in Milford Connecticut, asked Meran Sanchez to go to the prom with him. So he grabbed her by the throat, pushed her down a flight of stairs and then stabbed her repeatedly in the face, chest and throat.
Naturally, as soon as the post went up, the apologists where there with their favorite questions and complaints. By that morning, she was pronounced dead at the hospital.
Because she didn’t want to go to the prom with somebody who was by all accounts a popular and well-liked student at her high-school.
It’s a horrifying scenario, one that seems more like a horror movie than real life; one moment they’re two teenagers having a conversation, the next minute a brutal murderous attack that comes out of .
But it’s also the most recent example of men getting violently angry .
In Columbia, South Carolina, an apparently intoxicated off-duty sheriff’s deputy handcuffed a woman and then slammed her head into a table after she rejected his attempts to hit on her.
Another woman in New York was brutally attacked in a bar’s bathroom because she rebuffed her assailant’s repeated attempts to dance with her.